What is grief?

Grief is the normal reaction to loss when someone dies. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, as everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time.

Some people feel that grief is like an alien world, a place that has its own wants and needs.

It can feel unknown, and can leave you feeling lost and alone, sometimes confused and afraid, unsure how to navigate this new world.

For other people, grief can be like an uninvited guest, wanting to rummage around your home, tipping things over as it goes.

It will keep knocking until you let it in because grief wants to be felt and expressed. Once this has happened, it’ll be on its way.

Grief leaves a lasting impression, and I think there is more understanding and acceptance in recognising that it isn’t something that just goes away.

I often encourage my clients to see grief as diminishing with time, growing smaller, as life grows around it, making it more manageable.

Signs and symptoms of grief

When someone dies there are a range of feelings experienced by those left behind, and often these might include: sadness, anger, relief, guilt, and denial.

Something that has become embedded in popular culture is the 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

These stages are not necessarily experienced in a linear fashion, and not everyone will experience each stage.

The stages are flexible and, for some people, this can mean going back into a stage.

For example, you might be feeling depressed, then angry, then depressed again, before moving into acceptance.  

I often encourage my clients to see grief as a process, one that has no time limit, or rules.

Everyone experiences grief in their own way, often linked to the type of relationship you had with the deceased.

Grief can sometimes feel overwhelming and unknown. Life might not make sense.

You might feel lonely and isolated, even if you have support around you; feeling lost and confused, sad and depressed are normal feelings associated with the grieving process.

Physically, you might have a feeling of emptiness, like a piece of your heart is missing; or you might have a sense that your grief is not being understood by family and friends.

Some people experience a sense of relief, which can lead to feeling guilty, especially for individuals who cared for the deceased. It’s important to remember that these feelings are valid and normal.

Complicated grief

Complicated grief occurs when the individual is unable to move forward from their loss, which can leave the person feeling stuck.

Complicated grief can feel fixed,and lacks the fluidity of “normal” grief.

Some of the signs of complicated grief are: constantly thinking about the person who has died; a loss of interest in life; distressing thoughts relating to death; avoidance of reminders and, feeling an intense yearning for the deceased.

People who are more at risk of developing complicated grief are believed to be those who have suffered the loss of a child, a life partner, or the sudden death of someone from suicide or violence, and those who might be socially isolated or have a history of depression and anxiety, and PTSD.

For those who might be suffering with complicated grief, it’s that counselling and psychotherapy is made available, especially if thoughts of suicide or self harm are present.

The living loss

Grief isn’t just defined by physical death, it can also be characterised by the loss of a job, a home, or a divorce, a relationship break up, or losing touch with friends, family, in-laws, or being estranged from children.

Grief can also present itself when you feel like someone is “gone”, emotionally or physically, due to Alzheimer’s or dementia, or through addiction and mental illness.

Living with loss is hard because the person or relationship you’re grieving for is still alive.

Some people might feel overwhelmed by anxiety, or might feel isolated and lonely, struggling to feel understood by those around them.

It can be difficult to feel like you are being related to, like you would if a physical death had taken place.

The desire to make contact can give way to obsessive thoughts, and you might find yourself struggling to detach, constantly checking their social media as a way of keeping the connected to them going.

Ways to help cope through “normal” grief

I’m often surprised by how much pressure people place on themselves to be at a place they aren’t ready to be at.

Often there is the desire to be “fixed” or to be “over it”, wanting to go back to the person they were before the bereavement occurred.

It can be helpful to remind yourself that grief is a process, and there is no set time for how long it will take for you to recover.

Some people might feel scared that by moving forward they will forget the deceased. It can be helpful to recognise that sharing memories and stories about your loved one is a way of keeping them a part of your life.

Taking weekly walks or visiting a special place of significance to you or the deceased can also help keep your connection to them alive, while also creating a new routine.

Rediscovering past hobbies or things you used to love, like music, gardening, cooking, or writing, can be beneficial in engaging with life while you mourn the loss of the deceased.

Running and walking can also be helpful in refreshing the mind, body, and soul.

If the relationship was troubled, or there were things left unsaid, or you just want to express your thoughts and feelings, writing a letter or an email (that you don’t have to send) to the deceased can be a cathartic experience for some.

Sometimes the loss might extend to the deceased’s home, a place that might hold a lot of treasured memories, and as such will need the space to be acknowledged as a loss in itself.

If possible, it can be helpful to keep a memento of the home as a symbol of your time there.

How counselling can help with grief

 Grief can often be experienced as emotionally distressing, something that shakes you about and leaves you feeling unsure about who you are as a person.

It can be helpful to talk to a bereavement counsellor about these feelings, so they can help you work through them at your own pace.

Some people find it difficult adapting to the changes that occur after someone dies.

The change brought about by loss can be destabilising and leave you fearful of wanting to move forward. The change to life without the deceased and to your sense of identity can be hard.

Bereavement counselling can help you explore these feelings in a non-judgemental setting, so you can have the time to work towards making space for these changes in your life.

Bereavement counselling can offer you the support you might need to help you process and make sense of your reaction to the loss.

When the loss is of a living person or object, it can be useful to engage with counselling to help make sense of the thoughts and feelings that you might be experiencing.

If you feel like you have developed any unhealthy habits that stops you from moving forward, like obsessively checking your ex’s social media, a counsellor or psychotherapist can help explore the attachment and associated grief.

For many people, counselling provides a space to air difficult feelings in a safe space.